On a scale of 1 to 10 that measures unpopular blog topics, an inflammatory post on women and sports would probably be a 9, with 8 being a call to re-institute prohibition and 10 being a puff piece on the Nazis. You know what I’m talking about. Say something negative about women’s basketball in the wrong circle and see how that turns out for you. It is as foolish as answering your wife when she asks, “Do you think that girl over there is pretty?” No good can come from it. In fact, there are only three proper courses of action for a man caught in those cross hairs. #1. Play deaf. Just stare straight ahead as if you heard nothing. It sounds easy enough, but you really have to sell it. #2. Turn the tables on her with a power play such as faking a heart attack. #3. Build a time machine and use it to go back to your first date. On that date clearly spell out to her in writing that you will at no time in the future ever acknowledge the legitimacy of such questions. Be prepared to provide examples. Of course, she will probably ask you then why you wouldn’t just be honest in these situations, but obviously that’s crazy talk that needs to be quickly dismissed. Anyway, back to the matter at hand…women and sports. Here I go. I swear it won’t be that controversial, but just in case, I’ve gone ahead and preemptively kicked myself in the groin on behalf of women everywhere. You’re welcome, no seriously…it’s the least I could do.

I say this post won’t be that controversial because most heated conversations surrounding women and sports are in regard to women playing sports, and I’m not planning on going down that road. I’m stupid, but not that stupid. No, my moderate stupidity has only led me as far as to discuss women as sports fans, and thus in turn, I hope that it will only generate but a moderate level of controversy as well. So, here’s my big statement on the female sports fan: they are as rare as the center of a Pittsburgh steak.

Last night I was watching the Tigers play the Twins, and my wife was watching some of it with me. At one point in the 11th inning, amidst an intense sequence, she became inquisitive as to whether or not the managers from each team, each being old men with old men bladders, were able to abstain from using the bathroom during such a long game. I told her that they probably weren’t thinking about it, but that they could go in the clubhouse between innings if they needed. This morning, on the radio a male DJ was asking a female DJ if she watched the Tigers-Twins game last night. She said she saw a few at bats while her husband had it on, but that she left when he got annoyed with her questions such as, “Why are that guy’s pants tucked into his socks and the other guy’s pants aren’t?” I found myself amused with this little anecdote, because just like the bathroom question from my wife, no guy would ever think of something like that while watching sports. Now, perhaps that is more of a case in point about the complex differences between the sexes on the whole than in terms of their sports fandom, or perhaps it’s irrelevant as this woman, and certainly my wife, aren’t really even sports fans at all. Maybe that’s the point, though. I can only use my experiences as evidence, but I have never in my lifetime met a woman who is as big of a sports fan as I am. Never. Granted, I’m a sports nut, but I have met plenty…plenty plenty plenty…of guys who are bigger sports nuts. Plenty.

Don’t get me wrong, I know that true female sports fans are out there. I’m not debating that at all. I’m just saying there’s not many of them. In fact, I would argue that there are even fewer than meets the eye (think Transformers on opposite day). It’s my opinion that the vast majority of women who go to sporting events, even those who love to go, or who watch sports on TV do so for reasons other than the love of the game…and there’s nothing wrong with that. They go to be with their man. They go to people watch. They go for the atmosphere, for the food, for the party. They watch because it’s a way to relate to others, or it’s a way to have friends over, or to socialize, or maybe they’re just event junkies. Whatever it is, it’s not because they love sports. How many women do you know that watch sports games, read sports columns, check sports scores on their phones, listen to sports talk radio, initiate sports related conversations at work, and TIVO shows like PTI and Sportscenter on their own? Because, that’s the real test, as even a casual fan does at least some of these things on a regular basis. It’s like this: I’ve seen my fair share of chick flicks over the years with my wife, and I don’t mind watching them with her. However, when I’m by myself, I don’t watch chick flicks. The gap between being okay with watching something and choosing to watch it when you’re the one holding the remote is significant. That’s the difference.

So, wow…there’s not many legit female sports fans. Shocking, and lest you think I just spent four paragraphs stating the obvious, let me mosey around to the point of this monstrosity: it is perfectly ok with me that so few women genuinely like sports. What bothers me is when women who don’t act as if they do for attention sake. It’s akin to the know-it-all who, in his constant reminding to everyone of how much he knows, only further reveals to everyone how much he doesn’t. There’s a lady I know who has an affinity for publicly proclaiming her love of sports. One time, after she just got done announcing how much she loved baseball, she asked who was in the playoffs that year. The World Series had just ended a week earlier. Oops. Of course, maybe she is considered quite the sports enthusiast amongst her group of friends, but in terms of defining a true sports fan, that probably isn’t a reliable sample. My wife has asked me on several occasions if I wished she were a bigger sports fan…or truthfully, a fan at all…and each time I was able to answer her question honestly with a no. I didn’t even have to fake a heart attack upon her asking. You see, although she doesn’t really even understand the rules of football, it’s completely fine with me. I don’t know how to cook. What would irritate me is if, given her lack of knowledge about football, she tried to argue with me that the quarterback should just run on every play instead of pass. Likewise, considering I can barely make a sandwich, I’m sure it would irritate her if I tried to coach her on how to properly prepare lasagna.

A lot of women seem intent in social situations to get stamped as one of the guys, and a popular plan to achieve this, apparently coveted, distinction is by pretending to be interested in typical guy things…namely, sports. I don’t really understand why this is…heck, I don’t claim to understand women at all…but I know this: if you’re a woman, and you truly love sports, awesome. Seriously, more power to you. However, if you don’t give a rip about sports but think you need to play the sports nut to impress guys, I have some simple advice for you. Stop doing that. Guys who are true sports fans will easily see through you and become quickly annoyed with your act. Nobody likes a phony. Plus, guys don’t want or need you to be one of them anyway. That’s why they have guy friends. Just be yourself (and stay in school, kids…ummm…and don’t do drugs either). It will take the pressure off, make you more likable, and with you being no longer under the notion that you have to care about the big game last night to be accepted by guys, there will be much less eye rolling around male dominated water coolers everywhere going forward.

See, that wasn’t that controversial. I think I should have held off on my preemptive groin strike. If I ever get around to building that time machine to avoid my wife’s confusing questions, I’m definitely taking that one back…I don’t know, and probably this blog post too. Maybe I should have just gone with my gut and written that piece about the benefits of Nazi-style prohibition in 21st century America.