The recent meltdown of Serena Williams got me thinking. Who doesn’t love a good sports rant? I’ll tell you who: puppy torturing communists who, when they’re not taking candy from babies, spend their time trying to outlaw rainbows…that’s who. For the rest of us, taking in a sports rant is as pleasurable as scarfing down momma’s homemade apple pie…and as American too. So in that light, I thought it would be fun to pull together a few of the sports figures who have brought us some of the more memorable rants over the years for a little informal interview. You know, just shoot the breeze a bit as a group. Therefore, I organized a sit down with the following people (I have connections…so back off): tennis star Serena Williams, Colorado football coach Dan Hawkins, NBA superstar Allen Iverson, former NFL coach Jim Mora, former NFL coach Denny Green, former NFL coach Herm Edwards, Oklahoma State football coach Mike Gundy, former NFL quarterback Jim Everett, White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen, and former NCAA basketball coach Bobby Knight. To moderate this little hubbub, I chose Jim Rome. I’d like to say it went off without a hitch, but truth be told, the results weren’t…well, they weren’t pretty. Nevertheless, I’m very confident you’ll come away entertained. But buckle your seatbelt, because the following transcript is basically the blog equivalent of momma’s homemade apple pie…that is, if momma had filled it with some sort of apple pie taste enhancing drug while she baked it.

Warning: in order to maintain the integrity of the story, strong language has been insinuated.

(Begin transcript)

Jim Rome: Hello everyone, and welcome to the show. Oh hey, Bobby Knight…I was told you weren’t coming. Good to have you, though. Anyway, let’s get started. I’d like to begin with you, Jim Everett…er, excuse me, Chris Everett.

Bobby Knight: Who the **** told you I wasn’t gonna be here?

Jim Rome: Well, Bobby…

Jim Everett: You’ve been calling me Chris behind my back now for some time, and if you do it again, we’re going to need to take a station break.

Jim Rome: Well, it’s only a five minute segment. I don’t think we’d have time for that.

Bobby Knight: Was it some one from Indiana?

Jim Rome: Umm, no Bobby…

Bobby Knight: Who was it?

Jim Rome: I’ll point him out to you in a second if you’ll just relax and try to handle yourself with a little class. I’d like to get back to Chris, if I could?

Jim Everett: Call me Chris one more time and we’re going outside.

Jim Rome: I just did.

Jim Everett: I’ll bet you won’t do it again.

Bobby Knight: Hey, I’ll handle this any way I want! Ok! Now, you can do what you want…sit here, leave…I don’t give a **** what you do! But, if you’re not capable of running this…

Jim Rome: Ok, Bobby! Sheesh…calm down. We don’t have much time, and I don’t want to forget anyone!

Ozzie Guillen: Yeah, you already forgot pretty ******* quick about us. All of Chicago forgot about us! One day we’re the ******* toast of the town, and now we’re just a ******* piece of ****!

Dan Hawkins: Yeah, and I coach Division I football! The Big 12!!!

Jim Rome: Guys, chill! If you’ll just bear with me…

Mike Gundy: You obviously don’t have kids!

Jim Rome: What????

Allen Iverson: Yeah, I mean…I supposed to be the franchise player, and we sittin here talkin bout practice, man! Practice, not a game, not a game, not a game…practice! Practice!!!

Jim Rome: Uhhh, nobody was talking about practice, Allen. What is going on here????

Allen Iverson: Practice! Not a game…practice!

Jim Mora: Playoffs? Pl…play…playoffs? Did you say playoffs? Are you kidding me? Playoffs?

Allen Iverson: Practice!

Jim Mora: Playoffs?

Allen Iverson: Practice!

Jim Mora: Playoffs?

Dan Hawkins: It sure ain’t intramurals!

Jim Rome: Ok, guys…nobody is talking about practice or playoffs or intramurals! I, I…I’d like to get back to…

Allen Iverson: We not even talking bout games. We play…

Herm Edwards: We play to win the game!

Allen Iverson: Then why we still talkin bout practice!

Herm Edwards: We play to win the game!!!

Allen Iverson: Practice…not even a game!

Jim Rome: Allen, nobody is talking about practice!!! And Herm, I don’t know…

Jim Mora: Are you kidding me? Playoffs?

Ozzie Guillen: **** this ****!!!

Jim Rome: Guys, if I could just…!

Mike Gundy: See, this is why I don’t read the newspapers! They’re garbage! We’re respectful to the media! We’re respectful to the public! And they go and write stories about guys who do everything right!!!

Denny Green: They are who we thought they were! They are who we thought they were!!!

Jim Rome: Ok, Mike…Denny, who’s they?

Bobby Knight: Who the **** told you I wasn’t gonna be here?

Jim Rome: Bobby, for the love of…

Denny Green: If you want to crown em, then crown their ***! But they are who we thought they were!!!

Jim Rome: Denny, I don’t who you’re talking about!!!

Dan Hawkins: Go play intramurals, brother…go play intramurals.

Jim Rome: Is this a reality show?

Allen Iverson: I supposed to be the franchise player, and we talkin bout practice! Not a game…

Herm Edwards: We. Play. To. Win. The. Game!!!

Allen Iverson: Practice, man!

Jim Rome: NOBODY IS TALKING ABOUT PRACTICE, ALLEN! WHAT IS GOING ON?!?! NOW…can I please get back to where we started?!?! Please?!?! We only have 2 minutes left! I’d like to ask Chris as question.

Jim Everett: Say it one more time!

Jim Rome: Ok, Chris.

(A scuffle ensues, as Jim Everett leaps over the table and attacks Jim Rome.)

Jim Mora: Are you kidding me? Playoffs?

Ozzie Guillen: **** this ****!!!

(The camera crew quickly breaks up the fight.)

Mike Gundy: You should have come at me!!!

Serena Williams: I should shove this ******* ball down your throat!!!

Mike Gundy: I’m a man!!!!

Serena Williams: I’ll kill you!!!

Mike Gundy: I’m 40!!!

Jim Mora: Are you kidding me? Playoffs?

Ozzie Guillen: **** this ****!!!

Denny Green: They are who we thought they were!!! They are who we thought…

(An uninvited guest makes a quick surprise entrance and cuts off Denny Green mid sentence)

Kanye West: Yo Denny, you got a crazy rant going. I’m happy for ya, and I’mma let you finish. But I’ve got one of the craziest rants of all time! Of all time!!! Remember???? George Bush doesn’t care about black people!!!

(In quick response, an unrecognized voice is heard from the back of the room)

Joe Wilson: You lie!!!

(A rare silence follows, and the lead camera man motions that it’s time to wrap up)

Jim Rome: Uhhhh…that’s all the time we have for today. Ummm…thanks everyone…I guess, uhhh…

Jim Mora: Are you kidding me? Playoffs?

Ozzie Guillen: **** this ****!!!

Allen Iverson: Practice! Not a game, not a game, not a game…

Jim Rome: All right…

Bobby Knight: Who the **** told you I wasn’t gonna be here?

Allen Iverson: Practice!

Jim Rome: Cut.

(End transcript)