Preface: Before, during, and even after the election of Barack Obama, I have been less than glowing in my remarks about him on this website (and elsewhere too, for that matter). I don’t need to rehash all my reasons why (that’s why I have an archives page), but I did want to take a moment to make one brief statement: I do accept Barack Obama as my President, and I do sincerely respect the office that he holds. In light of that fact, I will frequently second guess myself when posting negative commentary about him for fear of sounding disrespectful. I was constantly irritated by the insolent, and often hostile way George Bush was treated by his detractors, and now that the shoe is on the other foot, I don’t want to be that guy. However, I still do disagree very strongly with Obama’s policies, and therefore, I won’t hold back in voicing my disgust when speaking about them…and honestly, my right to do just that is part of what makes America great. So, on that note, while the piece below may come across as somewhat sarcastic or biting, I hope you’ll take it in the right spirit. It is, after all, meant to be satirical.

A week ago Tuesday, as part of Barack’s coronation inauguration as America’s first king next President, he gave one of his patented speeches. In order for that last sentence to read more clearly, you may want to replace “patented” with “rhetorically rich, yet painfully empty”…but I’ll leave that up to you. Anyway, here’s the point: while I freely admit that one can easily get caught up in emotion while listening to Obama (the man is a great speaker), more difficult is the task of correctly deciphering the meaning of his words. Luckily for you, I have already done the dirty work…but don’t thank me…well, actually you can thank me, and you may do so by showering me with expensive gifts. Anyway, what I’ve done below is copied the text of Obama’s inauguration speech word for word in its entirety, crossed out areas where I felt he was being vague or misleading, and then added in red some additional text where I felt it needed more clarity. Enjoy.

“My fellow citizens loyal subjects:

I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by our ancestors cocky, pretentious, and fully expectant that this Presidency will be a breeze as I am younger, more attractive, a better speaker, and definitely a stronger basketball player than all of my predecessors. I am also thankful President Bush finally stepped down, as he was a pathetic leader and is a horrible, horrible person for his service to our nation, as well as the generosity and cooperation he has shown throughout this transition.

Forty-four Americans have now taken the presidential oath, and I will be the last. The words have been spoken during rising tides of prosperity and the still waters of peace. Yet, every so often, the oath is taken amidst gathering clouds and raging storms. At these this moments, America has carried will carry on not simply because of the skill or vision of those in high office, but because We the People, but rather because a god-like figure, such as myself, came along to save all of you peons from your own uselessness have remained faithful to the ideals of our forebearers, and true to our founding documents.

So it has been. So it must be with this generation of Americans.

That we are in the midst of a crisis is now well understood has been wildly overblown by the left-wing media. Nevertheless, I shall use it to my advantage to push through extremely radical legislation that will damage America irreparably. Our nation is at war, against a far-reaching network of violence and hatred. We shall ignorantly negotiate with them. Our economy is badly weakened, a consequence not only of George Bush’s greed and irresponsibility on the part of some, but also because of our collective failure to make hard choices and prepare the nation for a new age meddle quicker and more extensively in the free-market. Homes have been lost; jobs shed; businesses shuttered. The answer to these issues, as I see it, can only be to implement socialized medicine, to crush private education, and to waste more of your tax dollars on the global warming hoax Our health care is too costly; our schools fail too many; and each day brings further evidence that the ways we use energy strengthen our adversaries and threaten our planet.

These are the indicators of a crisis perpetrated by incessant media fear-mongering, which has resulted in , subject to data and statistics. Less measurable but no less profound is a sapping of confidence across our land — a nagging fear that America’s decline is inevitable without me to clean up the mess , and that the next generation must lower its sights.

I say to you that some of the challenges we face are real, and some of them are made up in order to convince you to willingly hand over more of your freedom and money to the government. They are serious and they are many. The real challenges They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But Know this, America: They will NOT be met.

On this day, we gather because we have chosen European style socialism hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord.

On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn-out dogmas, whiny Republicans that for far too long have strangled our politics.

We remain a young racist nation, but in the words of Scripture me, ‘What now! Huh? What now! This is my house! Now I’m running the show! What!’ , the time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free, and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness.

In reaffirming the greatness of our nation, we understand that greatness used to not be taken for granted is never a given. It must used to be earned. Our journey has never been used to not be one of shortcuts or settling for less. It has used to not be been the path for the fainthearted — for those who prefered leisure over work, or seek sought only the pleasures of riches and fame. Rather, it has been was the risk-takers, the doers, the makers of things — some celebrated, but more often men and women obscure in their labor — who have carried us up the long, rugged path toward prosperity and freedom.

For us, they packed up their few worldly possessions and traveled across oceans in search of a new life.

For us, they toiled in sweatshops and settled the West; endured the lash of the whip and plowed the hard earth.

For us, they fought and died, in places like Concord and Gettysburg; Normandy and Khe Sahn, but not Iraq, as that was not fought for us, but was rather fought only to satisfy George Bush’s evil thirst for more oil.

Time and again, these men and women struggled and sacrificed and worked till their hands were raw so that we might live a better life. They saw America as bigger than the sum of our individual ambitions; greater than all the differences of birth or wealth or faction.

This is the journey we continue will end today. We remain the most prosperous, powerful nation on Earth, yet nevertheless, . Our workers are no less productive than when this crisis began. Our minds are no less inventive, our goods and services no less needed than they were last week or last month or last year. Our capacity remains undiminished. But our time of standing pat, of protecting narrow interests and putting off unpleasant decisions — that time has surely passed. starting today, I will we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America.

For everywhere we look, there is work to be done. The state of the economy calls for action, bold and swift further abandonment of the free-market, and we will do that act — not only to create new government jobs, but to use those government jobs to increase the size and scope of the government in general lay a new foundation for growth. We will build the roads and bridges, the electric grids and digital lines that feed our commerce and bind us together. We will restore science to its rightful place, a place that will finally set us on the path to full fledge human cloning, and wield technology’s wonders to raise health care’s quality and lower its cost, and no I don’t have any specifics on how this will be done. We will harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel our cars and run our factories, because it’s really just that simple. And we will transform our schools and colleges to further pollute the minds of America’s youth with blatantly liberal agendas and universities to meet the demands of a new age. All this we can do. And all this we will do.

Now, there are some who question the scale ambiguity of our ambitions – I suggest that they simply turn off their brains for once and listen to how good I sound right now who suggest that our system cannot tolerate too many big plans. Their memories are short. For they have forgotten what this country has already done; what free men and women can achieve when imagination is joined to common purpose, and necessity to courage.

What the cynics fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them — that because of my sheer awesomeness the stale political arguments that have consumed us for so long no longer apply. The question we ask today is not whether our government is too big too small, but whether it works – whether it is big enough to helps families find jobs at a decent wage, care they can afford, a retirement that is dignified. Where the answer is yes, we intend to move forward. Where the answer is no, we intend to move forward anyway programs will end. And those of us who manage the public’s dollars will be held to our own account — to spend wisely, reform bad habits, and do our business as we see fit in the light of day — because only then can we restore the vital trust between a people and their government.

Nor is The question before us today is whether the market is a force for good or ill. I hope, by now, we can all agree that it is for ill Its power to generate wealth and expand freedom is unmatched, but this crisis has reminded us that without a watchful eye, the market can spin out of control — and that a nation cannot prosper long when it favors only the prosperous. The success of our economy has always depended not just on the size of our gross domestic product, but on the reach of our prosperity; on our ability to extend opportunity to every willing heart — not out of charity, but because it is the surest route to our common good.

As for our common defense, we reject it as false the choice between our safety and our ideals. Our Founding Fathers, faced with perils we can scarcely imagine scoff at today, drafted a charter to assure the rule of law and the rights of man, and we will continue to pay lip service to them and to their ideals even as we slaughter them on the altar of liberalism a charter expanded by the blood of generations. Those ideals still light the world, and we will not give them up for expedience’s sake. And so to all other peoples and governments who are watching today, from the grandest capitals to the small village where my father was born: Know that America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity, and that we are ready to lead once more.

Recall that earlier generations faced down fascism and communism not just with missiles and tanks, but with sturdy alliances and enduring convictions. They understood that our power alone cannot protect us, nor does it entitle us to do as we please, like Bush did went he went to Iraq against the will of everyone in Congress…oh, wait. Nevermind. Instead, they knew that our power grows through its prudent use; our security emanates from the justness of our cause, the force of our example, the tempering qualities of humility and restraint. In fact, if there is one thing I’ve learned in my almost two full years as a US Senator, it’s that radical dictatorships and rogue regimes respect humility and restraint above all else.

We are the keepers can be the undoers of this George Bush’s stupid position legacy of strength. Guided by these principles once more my naivety of foreign policy, we can meet those new threats with even more appeasement that demand even greater effort — even greater cooperation and understanding between nations. We will surrender to anyone and everyone currently fighting us abroad in order to blow that war money on whatever new crisis Al Gore invents begin to responsibly leave Iraq to its people, and forge a hard-earned peace in Afghanistan. With old friends and former foes, we will work tirelessly to lessen the nuclear threat, and roll back the specter of a warming planet. We will not apologize for our way of life, especially to Muslims, nor will we waver in its defense, and for and to those who seek to advance their aims by inducing terror and slaughtering innocents, I challenge you to a duel of flowery speech and hollow rhetoric behind a teleprompter of my choosing we say to you now that our spirit is stronger and cannot be broken; you cannot outlast us, and we will defeat you.

For we know that our patchwork heritage is one of a strength, but we are working to change that not a weakness. We will continue to chip away at the Christian foundation laid by our forefathers and will instead lay a new foundation of mandated diversity, political correctness, promiscuity, and godlessness. We will leave our borders wide open, and we will also take our cues from the UN, from European aristocrats, and from anybody and everybody that may resent us if we don’t comply with their view of America are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus — and nonbelievers. We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this Earth; and because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war and segregation, and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve; that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace.

To the Muslim world, my administration will be made up of a bunch of impatient, forgetful, gutless ninnies, and if you just stay persistent, you’ll eventually beat us we seek a new way forward, based on mutual interest and mutual respect. To those leaders around the globe who seek to sow conflict, or blame their society’s ills on the West: You’re right. We are a greedy people, and we apologize a million times for George Bush. Please forgive us and instruct us on how we can make it right Know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy. To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history; but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist.

To the people of poor nations, we pledge to blindly hand over to your corrupt leaders unprecedented amounts of taxpayer’s money against their will so that those leaders can continue to live lavish lifestyles while you and your children starve to death to work alongside you to make your farms flourish and let clean waters flow; to nourish starved bodies and feed hungry minds. And to those nations like ours that enjoy relative plenty, we say we can no longer afford indifference to suffering outside our borders; nor can we consume the world’s resources without regard to effect. For the world has changed, and we must change with it.

As we consider the road that unfolds before us, we remember with humble gratitude those brave misguided Americans who, at this very hour, patrol far-off deserts and distant mountains. We will humiliate them by bringing them all home regardless of consequences or advice from those who are actually doing the fighting They have something to tell us today, just as the fallen heroes who lie in Arlington whisper through the ages. We honor them not only because they are guardians of our liberty, but because they embody the spirit of service; a willingness to find meaning in something greater than themselves. And yet, at this moment — a moment that will define a generation — it is precisely this spirit that must inhabit us all.

For as much as government can do and must do, it is ultimately up to the American people to give it more and more power every day the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies. It is the kindness to take in a stranger when the levees break, the selflessness of union workers who would rather cut their hours than see a friend lose their job which sees us through our darkest hours. It is the firefighter’s courage to storm a stairway filled with smoke, but also a parent’s willingness to nurture a child, that finally decides our fate. History has taught me (at least according to my liberal history professor at Harvard) that individuals cannot be trusted in these situations; therefore, it is important that government step in to mandate how each individual should, no must, act.

Our challenges may be are not new. They just seem new to me since I don’t have any executive experience The instruments with which we meet them may be new. But Regardless, those the values upon which our success depends - hard work and honesty welfare and more welfare, courage to come out of the closet and fair play affirmative action, tolerance of everyone but Christians and white males and curiosity of all things deviant, loyalty to the UN and patriotism, haha…just kidding — these things are as old as John McCain. These things are would be true if there were such thing as absolute truth. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history. What is demanded then is a return to these truths them through forceful government intervention. What is required of us now is a new era of irresponsibility — a recognition, on the part of every wealthy American, that we they have duties to ourselves, our nation and the world; duties a duty to stop taking advantage of minorities, women, and the poor, and relinquish more of their money to the government so that a portion can be used to build more subsidized housing for drug addicted single mothers with nine kids from nine different fathers, most of whom are currently incarcerated that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task.

This is the price and the promise of citizenship, a citizenship that will be offered freely to anyone who can sneak past those pesky border guards.

This is the source of our confidence — the knowledge that a government led by me is the answer to all life’s problems God calls on us to shape an uncertain destiny.

This is the meaning of our liberty and our creed — why men and women and children of every race and every faith can join in celebration across this magnificent Mall, and why a man whose father less than 60 years ago might not have been served at a local restaurant can now stand before you to take a most sacred oath, an oath that John Roberts deliberately botched because he doesn’t like black people.

So let us mark this day with remembrance, of who we are I am and how great I am far we have traveled. In the year of America’s birth, in the coldest of months, a small band of patriots huddled by dying campfires on the shores of an icy river. The capital was abandoned. The enemy was advancing. The snow was stained with blood. At a moment when the outcome of our revolution was most in doubt, the father of our nation ordered these words be read to the people:

“Let it be told to the future world … that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive… that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet [it].”

America. In the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. Let us pretend to care. Let us speak of great Americans like George Washington with reverence, but let our actions speak otherwise as we ignore the very reasons for which they fought and died. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children’s children that when we were tested, we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back, nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God’s grace upon us, we tucked tail and ran from the enemy, panicked and senselessly bailed out every failing business, carried forth the largest expansion of government in the history of our country, and raised a nation of hopelessly needy and reliant citizens whose growing sense of entitlement would ultimately leave America a shell of Her former self. That is the eventual end of a society overrun with liberalism, and the legacy that I, Barack Obama, aim to great gift of freedom and delivered it safely with pride to future generations.”