Just when we start to think we’re invincible again, life reminds us that even the great ones fall. This year alone we lost the Oxi-Clean Guy, the King of Pop, and now…brace yourself…the Lion of the Senate. I guess it’s time to take down my prized childhood poster of Billy, Michael, and Teddy all laughing together while smoking cigars and drinking expensive liquor…or was that a poster of the Rat Pack? Either way, these three were great Americans. Hey now, who snuck the word “great” in there? Americans yes, but if they were great, then we need to raise our standards a bit. Billy Mays was apparently a Coke head, Jackson was a weirdo child molester, and Ted had the character of someone who would leave a woman to drown to death in their car while they fled to safety thinking only of how to cover up the incident for the sake of their careers…and no, that’s not a hypothetical example. More on this later. Nevertheless, right now as I type, the major television networks are no doubt scrambling to put together their hour long specials commemorating the life of former United States Senator Edward M. Kennedy.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one to rejoice in the death of Ted Kennedy. He was, after all, a human being and a child of God…and ultimately the issue of where his soul has come to rest is not for me to speculate, but rather, was and now is between him and his Creator. On the flip side, though, I’m not one to celebrate his life either. In fact, to me he was the embodiment of all that is wrong with Washington today. He was an elitist liberal who clung to his inherited power so he could use it to live by a different set of rules than you or I, and he did all this while standing on the backs of those for which he claimed to fight. Needless to say, I don’t have much good to say about him. So, upon hearing the news of his passing, I set out to adhere strictly to the phrase we most likely all heard with frequency growing up, “if you can’t say anything nice, then don’t say anything at all.”

That was until I heard Nancy Pelosi utter the following almost before the former Senator’s body was even cold: “Ted Kennedy’s dream of quality health care for all Americans will be made real this year because of his leadership and his inspiration.”

Now, it might not be classy to verbally spit on someone’s grave, but blatantly politicizing their death hours after they die…or any time…isn’t exactly the same as sending a bouquet of roses to their family either. So, I said…oh well, if the left plans on using Teddy’s death as ammunition to force government healthcare down our throats, then I guess it’s only fair for us to fight back. Don’t say it, I can already hear it. “Two wrongs don’t make a right.” Yeah, well…this ain’t dodgeball on the play ground. This is a political struggle with vast implications, and I’m more apt to fall back on the old adage of “fighting fire with fire” at this stage of the game than being all nicey nicey and waking up one day in some third world hell hole after Barack, Pelosi, Reid, and the libs are done “remaking” America…as they promised. No thanks…I’ll take my chances offending someone who is blinded by who Ted Kennedy was as a person at the off chance that I might positively influence another to see the truth about him as well as potentially contribute to the further derailment of this healthcare boondoggle.

However, worse case scenario…if the bill is passed, then I would like to hereby express my support for naming it after Ted Kennedy. It’s actually a perfect fit. Allow me to further elaborate with an ever popular list of reasons why. Here are my top 5:

5. The healthcare bill is bloated. It’s over 1000 pages long and is full of unrelated liberal goodies that further expand government power over us helpless citizens. Ted Kennedy was…ummm, also bloated. I assume some of his largeness stemmed from his affinity for consuming large quantities of alcohol at…well, all times. Perhaps also, he was even intentionally gluttonous in an attempt to balance out his head size to body size ratio. The world will never know.

4. The healthcare bill is adored by liberals everywhere. This one is obvious because liberals love new policies that are guaranteed to fail miserably. Ted Kennedy made a career out of writing these types of policies.

3. The healthcare bill will disproportionately hurt the poor. Oh, it will hurt everyone…sure, that’s a given, but like all things designed by liberals, this bill will do the exact opposite of what it’s intended to do. It’s supposed to be a cheap alternative for those less fortunate, but the reality is that it will increase costs squeezing even tighter those with a small budget, and it will decrease quality of care forcing those who value things like getting that gangrenous leg worked on next week instead of six months from now to pay out of pocket in order to move up the waiting list or to have some doctor perform the procedure while not on the government time clock. The poor don’t have excess money, and thus, can’t exercise these options, so when they’re sick…they’ll be forced to happily take whatever the government gives them like the good little pheasants they are. Similar to the healthcare bill, Ted Kennedy loved to hold the poor man down under the liberal illusion of government help. For example, Mr. Kennedy was rabidly against school vouchers or school choice but instead thought it best to require poor children from bad areas to languish in public schools with putrid track records of success. Brilliant!

2. The healthcare bill is out of touch with the American people. Americans everywhere are showing up in droves to protest this massive government takeover, and yet Democrats in Congress continue to press on like they are unable to distinguish the difference between angry mobs and cheering crowds. Or maybe they just don’t care…yeah, I think that’s it. Ted Kennedy was this type of Senator, out of touch. He was always more concerned with doing for the sake of doing, drafting new legislation and powering it through, than he was with listening to his constituents. In regard to healthcare, Americans realize that our system isn’t perfect, but we also know that not all reforms are steps in the right direction. A good Senator sincerely listens to the concerns of the voters; Ted Kennedy didn’t…but then again, whoever said he was a good Senator?

1. The healthcare bill will kill innocent people. Ok…not literally; I mean, the stack of papers itself isn’t going to turn into a zombie and start eating folk’s brains (and as an aside, if it did…Washington surely isn’t the place to go about it. A brain eating zombie would starve in that town). However, the bill will create teams of bureaucrats whose jobs will be to determine whether you are worth saving or not. They’ll tackle tough questions like, “does grandma really need that kidney? It would be cheaper if we would just let her die.” These death panels would be able to essentially make life or death decisions for others without consequence. Ted Kennedy has also killed before, and likewise, he got off scot-free. On July 18, 1969, he accidently drove his car off a bridge into a river while leaving a party with a woman. He quickly swam to safety. However, he didn’t go back to save Mary Jo Kopechne or even bother to call the authorities until the next day, but rather, he left her to helplessly die alone in his car.

Something to celebrate right there, huh? Look…nobody’s perfect, and upon their demise, a person doesn’t have to be anywhere close to it to receive proper praise and adulation for their accomplishments. Furthermore, it’s only fair to point out the good points of the deceased as often as we dwell upon the bad ones. Billy Mays was a great salesman; Michael Jackson was a star; Ted Kennedy was a US Senator. However, even setting aside the many character flaws of the afore mentioned late Senator, the events of July 18, 1969 alone, and his calloused attitude thereof, should leave a stain on his life big enough to void his now ongoing ticker tape parade.

Yet, I still say that Congress should go on ahead and name their precious healthcare bill after their boy, Ted. They should feel free to pat themselves on the back afterwards too if they can manage to pass it. Because…I mean, anytime you have a chance to define the legacy of a Senator with the integrity of a Ted Kennedy by ramming through a poorly written bill that will nationalize one third of the largest economy in the world, in spite of said economy being essentially bankrupt, and will drastically alter the collective health of a nation for the worse…you have to do it. Duh. Plus, it’s what Teddy would want, and that should obviously take precedent over all logic and reason.

In all seriousness, though, be wary this week of the talking heads lauding the life of Mr. Kennedy and especially of those who accompany their slobbering praise with a healthcare bill sales pitch. Crap is crap is crap is still crap, and Ted Kennedy’s career, like socialized medicine, is crap no matter how many Michael Jackson style image enhancing surgeries Congress or the media try to do on either. And for the most part, Americans can see that. Regardless, there’s no question the powers that be will continue pushing their crap on us. That’s what they do. It’s our job to stop them…and if we can’t, I guess we can at least try to clean up their crap with all the Oxi-Clean Billy Mays sold us. Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that.