As you may (or may not…and that’s ok) know, the first hundred days of a new President’s term are highly scrutinized and believed to be tone setting for the next four to eight years. Therefore, most new Presidents like to come out of the gate roaring. They typically set extremely ambitious legislative goals, and unsurprisingly, rarely achieve them. Often times, though, it isn’t the realization, or lack thereof, of those first hundred day goals that define the President initially (long term sentiments not withstanding) in the public’s eye but rather the content of the attempt. Succeed or not, if a President tries to drastically restructure the tax code, for example, a month into his term, the endeavor alone will convince many that he’ll pursue similar ends from that point forward. Ironically, this is the case to some degree because the vast majority of the public rarely pays attention during the latter dog days of a President’s term, but I digress.

The point is, a week from now Barack Obama will have the chance to dazzle America with his hundred day strategy, and I know you are on pins and needles to find out all it will entail. Unfortunately, I haven’t been given a copy of the plan from Obama’s people, (apparently Presidents don’t carbon copy small-time bloggers with opposing viewpoints on their internal documents…who knew?) but it is my assumption that the plan will be ripe with liberal goodies such as destroying the free-market further through socialism, stabbing our military in the back through surrender, removing God from everywhere, allowing all forms of freaks, radicals, and deviants additional rights in an attempt to debilitate the family unit, propagandizing our children with lies through public education, allowing Islamic extremists a foothold here and abroad through appeasement, putting higher priority on the environment than on human life, and generally just doing the opposite of everything that originally made America the superpower and beacon of light She is today. Fun stuff!

Enough speculation, though, because knowing every bullet point of Obama’s first hundred day plan is nothing compared to knowing his inner thoughts…his private aspirations. What am I talking about? Blogging for Meatballs has obtained a handwritten piece of paper with ten personal goals penned by Obama himself. If you like inside baseball politics, this is your lucky day, my friend. How did I come into possession of this juicy information? Let’s just say I have a source, and before we go any further, let’s also go ahead and make a deal: I won’t name the source or produce the document, but I will list out for you these ten things in exchange for the confidence that you won’t do any fact checking behind me or ask any probing questions, but instead that you will simply believe everything you read here with childlike faith. Deal? Good…I think that’s pretty fair.

So here you go. In Obama’s own words:

  1. Pull Grandma, Reverend Wright, and Bill Ayers out from the bus I threw them under during campaign season.
  2. Answer every tough question with the following quote from Passenger 57, “Ever played roulette? Well, let me give you a word of advice…always bet on black.”
  3. Follow up on the success of implementing a college football playoff system by announcing at the State of the Union each year a new sport in which I plan to meddle.
  4. Rename the House “Hope” and the Senate “Change.” i.e. A new bill has passed Hope today, and President Obama is optimistic that it will be approved by Change so he can sign it into law.
  5. Build a basketball court on the White House grounds with taxpayer’s money and then personally invite Joe the Plumber in for a little one on one. He exposed me to America for being a Socialist; I will expose him for his lack of lateral foot speed. He can’t keep me from going hard left (heck, no one can stop me from going left…heh, heh. Man, I’d love to use that play on words sometime…if only I wasn’t still pretending to be a centrist. Bummer).
  6. Convince Michelle to get my Presidential seal tattooed on her lower back.
  7. Solidify my legacy long after I’m out of office by becoming the new Marlboro man.
  8. Put the nuke codes as my Twitter status now and again just to keep everyone on their toes.
  9. Use the fist bump as my default mode of greeting…even with foreign dignitaries.
  10. Take the online skills challenge at computertraining.com in case this whole President thing doesn’t work out.

Exclusive stuff, huh? Keep your eyes peeled to see how it all flushes out. Will Obama fist bump Kim Jong-il? Will he repeal the NBA dress code? Will he become a MCSE in only six short months? So many questions. I’ll tell you where I’m most intrigued…as a huge basketball fan, I personally am looking forward to the game between him and Joe the Plumber…and I tell ya, Joe better bring his A game, because that is one scenario where Obama would actually have the edge in experience. But hey, don’t write off our favorite free-enterprise toilet man yet; experience doesn’t always prevail. We voters proved that last November.