I’ve never been a big boxing fan. The last fight I watched was Holyfield – Lewis like 6 years ago, and I admit, at the time I was more excited about the freeness of the whole night than anything. Granted, the food, drink, and pay-per-view wasn’t free for the host; it just was for me. That’s not the point, though; the point is the sport of fighting – be it boxing, UFC, cock fighting, or even the classic schoolyard brawl hasn’t ever been super appealing to me. However, there are some fights that are just so delicious, you can’t help but get fired up to watch.

“In this corner, wearing the blue sports bra, matching pants suit, and riding her husband’s coat tails is the over hyped, under qualified Senator representing a state she only moved to for power. She’s sporting her signature sneer; you can hear her cackle miles away; she’ll lie, cheat, and steal away your hard-earned money with tax hike after merciless tax hike. Think you’re sick now? Wait until you have to wait 6 months to see your doctor after her socialized healthcare plan takes effect. She’s been to the White House before, but this time it’s different; this time she’s going to hold the pen; this time she’s going sign the bills that will systematically destroy the fabric of our nation…ladies and gentleman…liberals and eh, liberals…Hillllllary RRRRhodam Clllllinton!!!”

(Half of the crowd goes wild…the older, whiter half)

“And in this corner, wearing even bluer trunks than his opponent, and sporting wristbands to keep the sweat off of his two fists – Change & Hope – I give you a man that has barely been a Senator long enough to pretend to know what he’s doing, a man that was born of a white woman from Kansas and grew up in Hawaii yet pretends to be straight outa Compton, a man who has managed to springboard himself to political relevance without uttering one word of substance, a man who is relying on the naivety of all those under 21 to win the presidency…he doesn’t perform miracles, he doesn’t love his country, he doesn’t even know that Al Qaeda is already in Iraq…nevertheless, I present to you, the Messiah, the #1 most liberal Senator, the man with the snappy middle name, B.b.b.baaaarack Huuuusein OOOObaaaama!!!”

(The other half of the crowd goes wild…a little louder…and with a much deeper voice too, I might add…sure, there are males supporting Hillary, they’ve just performed “surgery” to remove any semblance of masculinity…and the females on the Obama side, well…they’ve already fainted by now)

When is this glorious fight to take place? Well, with Hillary’s Texas and Ohio wins last week, the jabbing has already started, but the final, bloody (and I don’t mean “bloody” like the British use it) round won’t be until August in Denver at the Democratic National Convention. Have you ever watched a sporting event and wished both teams could lose? Have you ever watched two guys get rejected by the same girl and thought they both deserved it? Have you ever accrued massive gambling debts with two opposing crime families only to hear that they killed each other off in a gunfight while on the way to collect from you? Well, if you can say yes to at least one of those five (uh, three sir), I mean three questions…friend, today is your lucky day. Because, if you loathe to the very core the idea of either Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama being the next President of the United States, this ensuing bloodbath between them is perhaps a better scenario than the RNC itself could have conjured up. Why? Here’s five (three sir)…er, three reasons why (if you’ve never seen Monty Python & the Holy Grail, first off shame on you, and secondly you won’t get that joke).

#1. While Clinton and Obama have to spend the next 6 months raising money (and bleeding their supporters dry) simply to fight each other, John McCain will quietly be building up his war chest to finish off whichever one of the sure to be bruised, hobbled Democratic candidates emerges as the nominee. This is a huge advantage for McCain who is currently raising money at a much slower clip than his opponents. Because just like in, well…everything, money talks in elections too.

#2. In order to win over the base of the Democratic Party (read: complete liberal nutcases), Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama will have to constantly move to the left of each other. While they’re spending time convincing their supporters that they will surely abandon Iraq, socialize medicine, personally invite gays to marry, and encourage everyone to have an abortion just because, the rest of the country will continue to be turned off by it…not to mention by the ferocity of their attacks and ridiculous, identity politics.

#3. When the judges (i.e. super delegates) do declare the winner in August, this will undoubtedly lead to much bitterness on the side of the loser. We can only hope that this bitterness will spawn severely low turnout from them in November as well. Who knows, maybe some of the liberals that are always threatening to move to Canada when they don’t get their way actually will this time? Again, we can only hope.

Folks, this is going to be better than Ali vs. Liston, Tyson vs. Douglas, Spears vs. Lohan…oh wait…what? I’m telling you like a friend, the thought of Hillary and Obama literally tearing each other to shreds until August while McCain takes a 6-month power nap is one that leaves me quite giddy. I’m going to put my feet up, pop some popcorn, and enjoy the show, because even though this fight is among Democrats, it’s the Republicans who will emerge the clear winners. That is why, in this case, I can bellow with enthusiasm, “LLLLet’s get ready to rumble!!!”