Upon hearing the news that Supreme Court Justice David Souter plans to retire this June, you could hear a collective groan from the right as well as cheers from the left, and if you didn’t hear anything, then chances are this is the first you’ve heard of Souter’s impending retirement too. Regardless, this is a big deal. Presidents get to pick whomever they want to be Supreme Court Justices, and as it stands, these Justices serve lifetime appointments and have way, way, way too much power. Consequently, if a new Court Justice tilts the Court further leftward, we can be confident that the Constitution will be ignored, the will of the people will be thwarted, and freedom itself will be assaulted as a result. Luckily, since David Souter is a liberal (you’ll hear the media refer to him as a moderate, because he was appointed by a Republican, but he’s not), the Court won’t shift dramatically to the left when Obama’s new appointee replaces him, but it certainly will hold left…and hold strong. Obama is as radical of a liberal as there is in Washington, and therefore, it stands to reason that he will choose a radical liberal to replace Justice Souter.

Why does this matter? Well, truth be told, it shouldn’t, because judges are supposed to be unbiased, like referees, only enforcing the rules, and not writing in new ones where they see fit. Regrettably though, it does matter, for liberals are sneaky. As I’ve written before, they love to use the Judicial Branch to pass crazy laws that would otherwise never be approved through legislative means, and they do so by selecting their judges not by ability or credentials, but rather, by ideology. Ergo, being the very epitome of a sneaky liberal, we can be rest assured that Obama shares this sentiment, and accordingly, will be following this identical formula when choosing David Souter’s replacement.

So, the question is not whether or not Obama will pick the next Supreme Court Justice of the United States for entirely the wrong reasons…that’s a given. The question is why does he have the power to pick the next Supreme Court Justice at all? I mean, if supposedly the most important trait of all judges is impartiality, is it not silly then to put the power of appointing them in the hands of partisan Presidents? Perhaps, but do you have a better idea? Well yeah, I do. Thank you for asking…and yes, I also realize that I just had a mini conversation with myself as opposed to writing a legitimate transition sentence. Anyway, how about this? Instead of allowing the President to decide on all new members of the Supreme Court, we should leave their choosing to more arbitrary (and fun) methods. Below are three ideas I had off the top of my head:

3. Have Congress play dodge ball (D’s vs R’s. I’s side with the minority party). The winners would get to choose whomever they want, that is, as long as their choice is a registered member of the opposing party (this part would be explained after the game to ensure maximum effort from both teams).

2. Hold casting calls at all the courthouses in America for an Amazing Race to the High Court reality show. Contestants would start somewhere on the other side of the world, and the first one to reach the Supreme Court would get the job.

1. Line up all the working judges in America and simply eenie-meenie-minee-mo through them all the way down to one. This way is maybe a tad cumbersome, but has there ever been a more successful manner of making important decisions on an entirely random basis than eenie-meenie-minee-mo?

Folks, I think we really might have something here. I mean, Dodgeball, reality TV, eenie-meenie-minee-mo! Are you kidding me? That sounds like a blast! And on top of it all, what could be more fun than taking power away from Obama, and as a result, stopping him from further destroying the country through radical judges? Woo hoo! Of course, the skeptic in you might be wondering: who is to be in charge of overseeing the correct implementation of all these new methods? Well, it seems to me, since I came up with them, that I should be. Not convinced? Here is my pledge: if after giving this a whirl, should America deem one or all said methods too childish, I will gladly discontinue them immediately and simply choose the new Supreme Court Justice myself. Done and done. Quick and easy…and I promise I’ll be objective about the whole thing. In fact, for the sake of simplicity, why don’t we just go that route now. Move over, Obama, I’ll take it from here.