(The following interview is completely made up)

Me: Ladies and gentlemen, we are here with Democratic Presidential hopeful, Barack Obama. Barack, welcome to the show.

BO: Thank you, Aaron, good to be here, and I just want to say that if you’re struggling to make ends meet on a modest, middle class salary like Michelle and I are, there is hope…

Me: Wow…ok, I wasn’t planning on going that direction, but…Barack, you and Michelle made $480,000 last year, but the average US household income is actually somewhere around $48,000.

BO: Oh ok, yeah…I see what you’re saying. There’s that extra zero on the end.

Me: Yeah. I mean, it’s just a zero, but it actually means a lot when added to the end of a number.

BO: I see, I see.

Me: Ok, well I wanted to ask you about Jeremiah Wright, your pastor.

BO: Right.

Me: You have been a member of his church for 20 years; he married you and Michelle; he baptized your children. However, you are now distancing yourself from him and claiming to be offended, even surprised, by his teachings. How should we as Americans interpret this?

BO: Well, I think you should interpret it as it seems.

Me: And how does it seem…that you’re a black guy who goes to an all black church who’s entire message centers around the fact that white people are evil and are holding the black man down and thus America is evil but now that you realize that’s unpopular you’re pretending to not believe it?

BO: (laughing) You said it, not me!

Me: Right…well, moving on.

BO: (still laughing)

Me: What’s so funny?

BO: Nothing, nothing…I just can’t believe I’m actually in the running for president.

Me: Ha, yeah…me neither. Anyway, despite years and years of effort from liberals like yourself and from the media, the anti-white, anti-American message accepted at your church still isn’t a very popular one in most circles. I know that you understand this, and therefore, are trying to act as if you don’t believe a word of what your pastor and spiritual mentor for 20 years regularly preaches on Sundays at your church. This much we know. However, the question is: how do you get America do believe you, when for all intents and purposes, you have to be a complete, bumbling moron to think that you went to a church for 2 decades, had a personal relationship with the pastor, and yet don’t agree with the mainstay of his teachings?

BO: Well, Aaron, we’re going to use the same strategy here that I’ve used all along to hide my extremely liberal voting record. I’m going to smile a lot and saying things like “Yes, we can!” I’m going to focus on fun words like “hope” and “change,” instead of not-fun words like “liberal” and “socialist” and “racism.” I would also like to remind people right now that I am better looking than John McCain. In fact, if you would like to vote for me, call 1-866-IDOLS-01, or text “vote” to 46501 for AT&T subscribers. Remember, that’s 866-IDOLS-01.

Me: What in the name of all that is pure and holy is going on here?

BO: (holding up 1 finger) IDOLS-01

Me: I’m completely at a loss for words.

BO: 01

Me: Ok…let’s try to get back on track here. Now, I want to get to the meat of this thing. Your pastor obviously hates white people. He is your spiritual mentor, and he was even on your presidential advisory committee. Therefore, as a close follower of his now for 20 years, are we to assume that you also hate white people?

BO: Are you white?

Me: Yes…I’m, uh, sitting right next to you…

BO: Oh yeah. Who’s going to be listening to this answer?

Me: All of America.

BO: That’s unfortunate.

Me: That is the downside of running for the highest office in the land.

BO: True, true…next question.

Me: Whoa, whoa, we haven’t moved on yet. Do you hate white people like your pastor?

BO: Here’s the thing, Aaron. I didn’t know that Pastor Jeremiah was serious about all that “Jesus knows what it’s like to be a poor black man oppressed by rich white people” stuff. Truth be told, I’m a liberal, and therefore I think all this God stuff is for the birds anyway. I just started going to church because they told me that people are into that sort of thing in this country; I wasn’t ever really listening to any of the sermons. I just figured if I was going to run for public office, I should pretend to be religious too. You know? I mean, Aaron, we both know that liberals have been doing this kind of thing for decades.

Me: Right, pretending to relate to normal people…

BO: Yes, exactly. That’s all I was trying to do. So, I don’t hate white people, Aaron, by going to that church. I was just pretending to be a Christian…and furthermore, although 20 years of listening to Pastor Wright preach about how white people are evil didn’t make me personally uncomfortable, I realize now that it does make white people uncomfortable…and since they will be voting in November, that makes me uncomfortable. Know what I’m saying?

Me: Yes I do, Barack, yes I do. Ok, here’s a follow up question along the same lines. Do you hate America like Jeremiah Wright does?

BO: Well, of course Aaron. All liberals hate America…I mean, that’s pretty clear from our policies and rhetoric…

Me: True.

BO: The thing is, I hate America for different reasons that Pastor Wright does. He hates America because of pervasive, white racism; I hate it because I’m a liberal, and I’m better than it.

Me: Better than?

BO: Better than America. I’m better than America.

Me: I see.

BO: I mean, the very fact that this country expects one to have to sit through church on Sundays and actually care about what’s being talked about to be electable…I mean, jeez, what’s to like about that? Plus, check this out. So, this one Sunday Pastor Wright is talking about how the government created HIV to kill off all the black people and…

Me: I thought you weren’t listening to his sermons?

BO: Ok, you got me (laughing)! It’s hard to go somewhere for 20 years and not pick up on some stuff here and there, you know.

Me: I got ya.

BO: Anyway, so he’s talking about this HIV deal, and I’m thinking, “that’s pretty crazy, but is it crazier than Jesus saying he turned water into wine, or raised people from the dead?” I don’t know, man, it gets you thinking.

Me: Hmmmm….not sure how to segway from that…so, on that note, we’ll wrap up for today. Join me next week when we talk to Katie Couric about the embarrassment of accidentally revealing that Elliot Spitzer was a Democrat on the evening news. See ya then!

BO: 866-IDOLS-01! 01!

Me: Barack, we’re done here…

BO: IDOLS-01! 01!

Me: Security!!!

End of transcript