Forrest Gump famously said once that life is like a box of chocolates, because you never know what you’re gonna get. When you really break down that statement, it’s not exactly earth shattering, but I guess when a guy who was borderline retarded says something at least somewhat coherent everybody gets pretty riled up about it. Case in point, if Albert Einstein would have uttered that phrase in passing one day, I don’t think his saying it would have leapt over the Theory of Relativity as his greatest accomplishment. Regardless, I’ve recently experienced this phenomenon in reverse. Similar to the Forrest Gump analogy, where a dumb guy said something considered to be brilliant but upon further analysis wasn’t really all that special, I’ve heard some supposedly smart people say some pretty idiotic things that, after a certain guiding experience, I’ve actually found to be quite prudent and necessary given the present circumstances.

Barack Obama and the Democratic Congress have advocated of late many sweeping changes that up to this moment I have wholeheartedly opposed. However, I think of myself as someone capable of keeping an open mind, and so…through a recent epiphany of sorts…I’ve had a change of heart on many of my stances. This has occurred solely because now, for the first time, I can see the long term plan of the liberals in charge. Understanding their keen foresight has brought me to the only conclusion that makes sense. I must support the policies of the current administration so that I will have a spot on the Moon when it is time to move there.

In my earlier days (such as yesterday) when I was less evolved mentally, I criticized the current administration relentlessly. I didn’t see at the time how borrowing trillions of dollars from the Chinese and spending it on worthless projects and Congressional pork would turn our economy around when fiscal irresponsibility was half the reason we were in this mess in the first place. I couldn’t figure out why we were bowing and kowtowing to rogue dictators around the world who had public stated goals of wiping us and our allies off the map. I was having some trouble understanding how government takeovers of private industries could help our country flourish when the evidence of thousands of years of history screamed otherwise. I failed to grasp why an economic killer like cap and trade was being pushed when it, for one, didn’t make a dent in the amount of greenhouse gases being emitted worldwide, and for two, was being instituted to slow down global warming, which is in and of itself, nothing more than a big scam. I struggled to comprehend why we needed to institute socialized medicine here in America when we couldn’t afford it, and when it had been proven to be a disaster where implemented elsewhere around the globe. I guess I just didn’t get why we were turning our back on everything that made America the greatest and most prosperous nation in the history of the world and instead embracing policies that had been proven to fail time and time again.

Truth be told, my old self still wrestles against these things…after all, he is a pragmatic fellow. I’m learning to tune him out, though. For if I’m going to think like a liberal, replacing sound reason with childlike emotion is step one. For instance, all of the policies I spelled out above are at best recklessly ignorant and hopelessly asinine from a practical standpoint, but that’s not the question. The question is…how do I feel about them? Pretty good actually, because supporting them should earn me a spot on the Moon.

Why? Well, it was dang near 100° outside yesterday. Need I say more? I shouldn’t have to, but for the sake of all you conservatives still enslaved to logic, I will. You see, yesterday when I walked outside, I felt hot. I mean…really hot. Like, I was totally sweating in my dress clothes as I got into my car to head home from work. This got me thinking. Maybe there is something to this global warming thing? Of course, my old nature immediately began reminding me of the gobs of data refuting it, but dadgum it…I still felt hot! How could I reconcile that? I couldn’t. Thus, I’ve come to the following conclusion. Barack Obama knows that global warming is going to kill us all soon, and we can’t stop it. So, he is deliberately destroying our economy and our healthcare system while simultaneously turning a blind eye to threats from overseas…all for the purpose of weeding out the weak. It’s a survival of the fittest style filtering process, and like I said before, it’s prudent and necessary. When this planet burns up, we’re going to have to move to the Moon…that’s obvious. The problem is that there won’t be enough room for everyone. Therefore, Obama is silently screening us right now to see who is worthy to go. Government run healthcare should help kill off excess old people, socialistic economic practices should dissolve the middle class making the elite easier to spot (read: pick for the Moon colony), and the overall increased control, along with help from the media, should give Obama the power to determine who’s on his side politically. It’s really all pretty simple. Everything is a test. In fact, there are people already pre-screened for the Moon who are following you on Twitter and are your friends on Facebook right now, and they are analyzing your status updates and comments in regard to all sorts of matters. Even your reaction to the Beer Summit is being scored. What kind of beer do you like? Could you sit down with Joe Biden for more than a few minutes without stabbing yourself in the eye with a pen? If you were there, would you have sided with the black guy? If you care about yourself and your future as a resident of the Moon, you better know where you stand on these issues. I know I do.

Wait…hold on…ok, I’m back. Sorry, my old conservative self was just asking me, since I came to this epiphany based on one hot summer day, if I’ll waver when it’s only 80° tomorrow. Don’t worry, I told him that true liberals stick to their positions regardless of how mindlessly irrational they are. Silly conservative old-self. He just doesn’t get it. Go on, old buddy, you try to let the free market dictate our economy. Haha! You try to fix our healthcare system through common sense measures. Pssshhh! You try to confront our enemies abroad with strength. LOL, good luck! While you’re busy messing around with that stuff, I’ll be in the front of the line to go to the Moon!