Ever wish you could just turn off your cell phone, unplug your computer, throw out your TV? Well, first of all…you can. No one is forcing you to fiddle around on your iPhone all day. To answer the question, though…sure, sometimes; I think we all wish we could disconnect ourselves occasionally and just be. That being said, on the whole I’m not one to take a technological step backwards in my life as some kind of feeble attempt to create that nirvana like peace and quiet some assume can only be achieved by ditching all of one’s worldly possessions. I like being able to google something while going 80 mph on the interstate; I like being able to fire off a text message to someone 1200 miles away and receive an instant response; I like being able to chat online with friends in Iraq; I like never getting lost because my phone has built in GPS. Bottom line, I embrace the new added conveniences I get with each new added gadget, even as they supposedly pull me further and further away from the often envied “simpler times.”Awww, the simpler times. Remember how great it was 15 years ago or so when you didn’t have the burden of carrying around a cell phone? Like, remember waiting to meet a friend at the park except that he doesn’t show up so you scour the earth to find an ATM where you fork out additional fees since it is most definitely not one affiliated with your bank all to get a $20 bill out so you can buy a pack of gum you don’t want from a local vendor just to get change for that $20 in order to have a quarter to use at the payphone a mile away to call your friend at his house which is pointless since he isn’t at his house because he’s meeting you at the park but not at the park you’re at because he got mixed up and instead went to the other park on the other side of town…no worries, though, you’ll get it all straightened out next time you see each other in person which won’t be today so enjoy throwing the frisbee to yourself! Wait…what? Yeah, you can keep your minimalistic nirvana…I’ll keep my cell phone.

(deep breath)

Ok, I suppose now is as good a time as any to address the topic at hand. Here goes: just as most of us now couldn’t fathom resorting back to a life sans cell phones or the Internet, such is the same for the nosy individual when it comes to Facebook.

Think about it. For the type of person who lives to be informed about all the meaningless drivel in everyone else’s life, the Facebook news feed is heaven. To the borderline stalker, getting a Facebook friend request is akin to inviting an alcoholic to a wedding with an open bar. Jackpot! Gone are the days of busting out the rolladex and handsfree headset and motoring through multiple sources like a telemarketer to get all the dirt. No longer must the overly inquisitive individual gossip incessantly with other members of their church under the guise of “not breaking the prayer chain.” No more must those who suffer from acute curiosity disorder, or ACD (just made that up), inch up on their friend’s conversations at parties in order to eavesdrop, or quietly pick up the upstairs phone when their little sister is talking to her boyfriend, or beat their brains out wondering what the political and religious beliefs are of every single person from their high school graduating class.

Yes, for the nosy, Facebook is a dream come true…a dream that goes something like this:

11:00 PM Tuesday night:

(Logs on to Facebook)

“Oooh, John from high school is Eric’s friend. I’m going to friend him too. I’m dying to know what he’s up to these days.”

“Hmm, apparently my neighbor is a big Barack Obama supporter. I’ll use his wall to set him straight.”

“Hey, my sister is online right now. I think I’ll chat with her.”

(chat, chat, chat, chat, chat, chat, chat, chat, chat, chat, chat, chat, chat, chat, chat)

11:39 PM:

“John has just accepted my friend request. Quick, let’s see if he’s married, has kids, is a Christian, is a Republican. This is all so exciting.”

“Why are Mark and Lisa talking back and forth so much…let me just click on wall-to-wall and see what’s going on here.”

“What’s that? Jacquie is no longer is a relationship? What! I wonder what went wrong? I’ll get to the bottom of it.”

12:05 AM Wednesday morning:

“I should probably hit the hay; I do have to get up for work tomorrow.”

“Well, just a little more.”

“Why does Mollie support this cause? Nobody thinks she really cares about that. Who is she trying to impress?”

“Larry is drinking in every one of his pics. I think he has a problem.”

12:27 AM:

“Ok, I’m logging off now.”

“Jeremy has a new blog? I’ll check it out really quick. Eh, it’s ok.”

12:44 AM:

“And I’m going to bed.”

(Logs off Facebook)

“The first thing I’m going to do tomorrow at work is log on to Facebook.”

12:45 AM:

Nosy people, huh. Psshhh. I mean, who would spend over an hour that late on a week night wasting time on Facebook? Pathetic right? Oh sure, I’ve done it…but ummm, I’m not nosy, though. See…uhhh, I just like catching up with old friends. It’s not like I check my Facebook obsessively or anything. Ok, I do…but I can quit any time I want! Who are you to judge me anyway? I saw what you said to so and so back a few months ago! What’s that? How do I know that? Uhhh…ummm…I, I, I…well, you’re not any better! You’re just as nosy as me!

If the shoe fits, right? No wonder Facebook is so popular. They do a masterful job of appealing to the nosiest of the nosy, a category under which, it seems, we could all be classified. Yes, that includes you too. So, what now? I say, at this point, your best bet is just to do what I’ve done. Come to grips with your inner nosyness and accept Facebook for the role it plays in encouraging it…and while you’re at it, you might want to take a pre-Facebook trip down memory lane too. We’ve already established that it’s foolish to trash your cell phone unless you want to re-experience the “park meeting mixup” scenario rehashed earlier, so in case you really want to satisfy your ACD (I really did make that up, so don’t go googling it) urges by reverting back to old school, person-to-person stalking, I suggest you join the rest of us by logging back into Facebook right this very instant. I’ll see you on there. I’m updating my status on my phone right now.

Awww yes, Facebooking on a cell phone, now that’s the real nirvana…well, at least for us technology loving, nosy types.