Here’s a little riddle for ya: What does a steaming pile of fresh dog poo and the new economic stimulus package passed by Congress have in common? Give up? It’s a trick question; they are one and the same! Ok, ok, so I sacrificed a little cleverness to make a point. Sue me! The point is, the recent stimulus bill rammed through Congress by Obama, Pelosi, and Reid is, quite frankly, the biggest collection of pork barrel, government waste, nonsense crap that has ever been concocted in the history of our Republic. To even call this smelly piece of trash a stimulus at all is insulting to the word “stimulus.” In fact, I believe…and I say this without hyperbole…that in order to preserve some purity in the English language, we may need to issue a massive recall of all of our nation’s dictionaries so that a clause next to the word “stimulus” can be added to them. Now, this is off the cuff, but I think the clause should read something like this: the term “stimulus” should not be used when referring to the epic spending orgy perpetrated by the Democratic Congress in February 2009. Said orgy should only be compared to variants of feces, garbage, descriptive acts of appalling irresponsibility, or an especially horrific childhood memory if speaking with close friends or family who would be familiar with the reference. In addition, all individuals who describe this tragic bill (previous referred to as “orgy”) with inaccurate adjectives or who simply don’t try hard enough to convey its inherent suckitude should be beaten within an inch of their life and then nursed back to health so they can be beaten again. This process may be repeated as many times as necessary on anyone until that person has a sound grasp of just how extraordinarily high the level of stank permeating the bill actually is. Also, anybody who lacks a vocabulary creative enough to properly communicate the sheer idiocy of the aforementioned bill, such as children or liberals, as well as the subsequent consequences therein, will be henceforth required by law to refrain from speaking about it entirely. Until further notice, this will apply immediately to all members of the mainstream media. The one exception will be Sean Hannity, who will instead be given Greta Van Susteren’s time slot each night to allow for further analysis. This additional hour for Hannity will enable him to thoroughly tackle the following question: What is worse…Obama’s stimulus plan or drinking directly from the toilet after a healthy one? This hour of TV will be required viewing for all Americans until enough of them get their heads far enough out of their (edited for content) to throw the Democrats out of office in 2010. At that point, the previous phrase will be edited in the following way: “Democrats” will be replaced with “Barack Obama,” and “2010″ will be replaced with “2012.” Then, on January 20, 2013, the necessity of this clause in total will be reevaluated by someone who knew better from the start than to hand over the keys to America’s economy to a bunch of liberal morons. Yeah, I think that clause is a must. Because, with it in place, when our children are grown and are busy repaying the debt under which Obama is currently burying them, they won’t waste time confusing each other by incorrectly referring to his spending spree as a “stimulus.”

Now, all that being said, I don’t want to focus solely on the bad aspects of the bill. I don’t want to be so narrow minded that I only see facts such as, despite all the hand-wringing by the left over the last 8 years about how much Bush increased the national debt, this bill will, in one day, add to it nearly one-fifth that amount. I want to be objective and not concentrate on petty things like how Congress wasn’t even given enough time to read the bill before they voted on it, or how although Obama desperately tried to convince us all that the economy would collapse if the bill wasn’t passed and signed immediately, after it was passed, he decided to postpone signing it until after his vacation. I don’t want to dwell on the lack of common sense one would have to posses to think that spending just south of a trillion dollars on projects almost completely unrelated to the economy would actually be a stimulant to the economy, or even on the fact that the non-partisan Congressional Budget Office itself has noted that we’d be better off doing nothing as opposed to passing the bill. I don’t want to be such a blind partisan that I only give attention to the negative portions of the bill. Therefore, let’s talk some about its good points.

(That noise you hear is crickets chirping)

Ok, for real. Remember how President Obama campaigned on tax cuts for all Americans making under $250k a year. Well folks, in a stunning move contrary to his character, he has almost fully kept that promise. There are tax cuts in the spendulus bill. Now, they aren’t as much as he said they would be, and they won’t go to everyone to which he said they would go (in the end there just wasn’t enough money for both the tax cuts and for the congressional pet projects), but nevertheless, they still are massive…massive if you’re a 2nd grader who has no concept of the value of money or an old person who doesn’t have a good handle on the reality of inflation. Ladies and gentlemen, get ready to reap the benefits of borrowing $800 billion from China in the form of $13 a week for six months and $8 a week thereafter. Whew…I know. It’s pretty awesome.

So, I’m stoked. In fact, in preparation for this $13 windfall, I’ve compiled a list of the top ten ways I might spend the money.

  1. I’ll use it to help offset the net loss I’ll incur when the Bush tax cuts are rescinded.
  2. “Five, five dollar, five dollar foot looong.” You’ve heard the Subway ad. Well, I’m taking my porkulus tax credit and buying me two of those babies! I may even get a friend to go halfsies with me on a third.
  3. I’ll pay my mortgage one month on my credit card, and the next month I’ll use my weekly $13 to make the minimum payment.
  4. Can you say “small popcorn and small drink” at the movie theater?
  5. I’ll save up my $13 a week for the whole 6 months and put it in an IRA. Take compounding interest coupled with the fact that the interest rates will soon be sky high since raising the rates will be the only way to curb the inflation that is sure to follow the spendulus bill, as inflation always picks up when the government prints its funny money, and I should be good to go. Seriously, with all those factors I just mentioned, can you even imagine how much $338 will be in 40 years?
  6. I’ll buy this tee shirt.
  7. I’ll purchase about 4 bullets at the local shooting range and hope that firing them is enough to quench my anger.
  8. In the spirit of the porkulus, I’ll hit up the Shoney’s breakfast buffet and eat only bacon until I’m full.
  9. Wal-Mart miscellaneous DVD bin anyone?
  10. I’ll send a $13 check every week for the rest of the year to the RNC.

You know, on second thought, after making that list and seeing the hope and change (pun intended) the $13 will bring to my life, I’ve done a complete 180. I should be grateful to get a tax break at all. If truth be told, I say “phooey” to all those economists who believe that tax cuts alone stimulate the economy. It’s spending like this that is going to pull us out of the recession. I mean, let’s cut to the chase. Everybody knows that the only way to get ahead financially if you’re struggling is to borrow as much money as you can and then spend it as quickly, as blindly, and as recklessly as possible on frivolous, illogical, and unnecessary items and causes without the slightest regard for future consequences. Duh. So scratch out that list above, I don’t have time to wait on the $13; I need to be proactive today. It took a while, but I too have been inspired by Obama. Therefore, in that light, I am at this instant implementing my very own personal economic stimulus plan, and to kick things off right I’m headed out now to max out my credit cards on 3D glasses, that is, right after I empty out my savings on a lifetime supply of silly putty.